New Pandemic Strikes Tomorrow: 'Halo Sickness'

Global productivity will take a hit this week as legions of workers call in "HALO SICK," according to USA Today. The 3rd version of the Xbox 360 game has already launched in New Zealand, Australia, Singapore and India; hits tonight at midnight in the U.S., Canada and Brazil; lands Wednesday in Europe; and Thursday in Japan (take THAT you PlayStation-loving philistines!). Symptoms may include hand and arm twitching, bleary eyes, sleeplessness and obsessive shouting of profanities at TV screens.